We’ve all known them: Martyrs — people who feel they are carrying the short end of the stick, taking the big hit for the team, suffering when and where others escape scot-free, or enduring bad luck or punishments through no fault of their own.
For a lot of reasons, some people really enjoy being martyrs. But aside from whatever pleasures being a martyr may bring, in general it’s not a good strategy for leading a happy life or becoming successful in the workplace.
Why? Because no one likes to spend time with a martyr, particularly when the martyr keeps rubbing your nose in their martyrdom. What’s more, except in legends and myths, most people who feel themselves to be martyrs tend to be exaggerating how much they suffer and how little good they receive.
Most of the time, a person who sees himself or herself as a martyr is actually refusing to take responsibility for their own actions and choices. They are giving in to sources of stress and problems they need not accept into their lives.
Many recovered martyrs eventually confess that acting like a martyr only made things worse for themselves.
Clearly, there are times when you don’t have a choice, when you are given the short end of the stick or punished without deserving it. But there are other times when martyrdom is a direct result of your own behavior. To end this pattern, you’re going to have to identify the problem, and the source, and make basic changes to avoid martyrdom.
Here are some ways to help you identify situations in which you may be feeling like a martyr:
You blame other people or groups for sticking you with some of the problems you don’t want.
You blame some of your problems on situations over which you have no control.
You feel powerless to do make changes in situations or relationships that are not working out well for you.
Of course, you may feel this way and not be a martyr. Many times these reactions honestly and accurately reflect what is really going on around you. It takes an additional layer of attitude or feeling to move from simply “taking a hit” to becoming a self-made martyr. Here are some ways to spot this transition:
You refuse to experiment or make changes in situations or relationships that are not working out well for you.
You dwell on your feelings of being hurt, betrayed, or treated unfairly and ignore or undervalue the good things in your life.
You take pleasure in knowing (and telling others) you are being treated unfairly.
If any of these indications seem to fit, there’s a chance you’re accepting too much negativity into your life. That’s the bad news. The good news is, you can cut back on this negativity and convert your martyrdom into more satisfying life and work environments. Here’s how to get started:
Step 1: Find a friend or colleague you trust, and share your feelings of martyrdom. He or she can help you get real about the sources of your troubles, and in particular what you can and cannot do to start making improvements.
Step 2: Withdraw from some of the situations and relationships where you have no control. You probably can’t quit your job, where people commonly don’t have as much control as they’d like. But you can find less time to work on that special team where no one ever takes your suggestions. You can stop volunteering in thankless situations. You can spend less time with family and friends who treat you discourteously or disrespectfully. The more negativity you erase from your daily activities, the less often you’ll be handed problems and unfair treatment, automatically reducing your reasons to feel like a martyr.
Step 3: Try new things. Whether it’s wardrobe, diet, recreational activities, working habits, or direct attempts to solve your problems, simply give up some of the strategies and tactics currently linked with your feelings of martyrdom. The new approaches may not produce any better results, but just trying something new may make you feel better about yourself.
Step 4: Focus on positive feelings. Most of us get a lot more satisfaction and pleasure from rewarding activities, relationships, and situations than from unrewarding ones. Martyrdom can be seen as an attempt to feel good about feeling bad. If, instead, you directly avoid the bad feelings and actively seek out situations in which you feel good, your martyrdom may soon be overshadowed by your positive feelings of success and satisfaction.
We’ve all known them: Martyrs — people who feel they are carrying the short end of the stick, taking the big hit for the team, suffering when and where others escape scot-free, or enduring bad luck or punishments through no fault of their own.
