In a Utopian world, everyone agrees about everything and there is no conflict. Until we get there, however, learning to understand the causes of conflict - and later, to defuse, defeat, or unwind it - may be among the most important lessons that life can teach.
Of course, conflict has its uses. When people disagree, they drive each other toward new ideas, and they motivate each other to work harder than if there were no conflict at all.
But all in all, conflict is usually more harmful than helpful.
For one thing, in addition to new ideas and higher levels of motivation, conflicts often generate negative feelings, a decline in our reasoning powers, and a temporary set of goals and priorities that may override our more sensible interests in longer-term interests and objectives. For people who are caught up in a conflict, with no clue as to its deepest roots, the situation quite often tends to be maddening, frustrating, and counter-productive.
So it’s usually a good idea not to wallow in conflict for the good it does, but to avoid or eliminate unnecessary conflicts, and properly manage the ones we can’t escape.
Recognize and Understand a Conflict’s Causes
Step Number One in avoiding, eliminating, and managing conflicts is to recognize and understand the cause(s) of the conflict you’re facing.
The most common causes of conflict include:
Need For Resources: No matter how much abundance there is in the world, we nearly always experience a situation of scarcity. Whether we need the boss’ attention, the family car, someone’s help with a problem, tickets to a concert, or anything else, there are many situations where what we need is simply not available to us when we need it. This gives rise to conflict with others who are better situated than we are to get what we want.
Personal Preferences: Conflicts over preferences - the way we like to do things - are everywhere. Whether it’s a matter of tea versus coffee, starting slow or starting fast, getting the big things out of the way first or beginning with the small items, or something else, the very concept of cooperating with others inherently admits there’s a conflict you and they need to overcome.
Divergent Goals: Where do you want to go on vacation? What movie should we see? What’s the best price for that proposal you’re developing? What is the mission of this department? In almost every situation, people ostensibly working or playing together are likely to be pursuing some measure of differing, and therefore conflicting, goals.
Opposing Pressures: In the web of cooperation and collaboration we call life, it’s unusual for a person to have only one goal, one motivation, and one incentive that drives his or her choices and actions. Most of us find ourselves coping simultaneously with several different pressures to accomplish several different goals. We must work to resolve these conflicts or suffer the consequences.
These are only a few of the causes of conflict that we regularly experience.
Look To Reduce the Causes Of A Conflict
Once you have recognized and understood the cause(s) of the conflict you’re facing, Step Number Two is to begin looking for ways to reduce the level of conflict by eliminating or ameliorating the driving forces behind it.
To do this, it’s helpful for those in conflict to explicitly explain their goals and priorities to others entangled in the same conflict. With these issues and values openly laid out on the table, it becomes possible to find areas of agreement, find room for compromises, and make trade-offs (”I’ll help you with yours now if you’ll help me with mine afterwards.”)
Working through all these possibilities may totally eliminate the conflict. But even if it doesn’t, this process will often reduce the emotional intensity and urgency behind our choices and actions, making the conflict far less troublesome than it originally seemed.
In a Utopian world, everyone agrees about everything and there is no conflict. Until we get there, however, learning to understand the causes of conflict - and later, to defuse, defeat, or unwind it - may be among the most important lessons that life can teach.
