Congratulations! The contract agency just called, and you’ve got an assignment with ABC Company. Here are some ways you can ruin the chance you’ve just been given.
1. Don’t show up on time. After all, it takes a while to get your hair perfect, and who knows what the traffic is going to be like? And how can you face a new job without your beloved half-caff?
2. In fact, don’t show up at all. After all, jobs are easy to get, right? And your agency won’t care that they have no idea why you aren’t where they sent you. Don’t you dare call anybody to let them know you’re not coming in – that’s why you gave them all those phone numbers, so they can call you!
3. Wear whatever you feel like wearing. Those rules – they were made by a bunch of suits who just don’t get fashion. I mean – safety shoes in the heat of summer? Come on! It’s not like you can keep a comfy pair of sneakers or flip-flops (or a T shirt or shorts) in the car . . . .
4. Keep asking when you’ll be brought on payroll. Your boss might have forgotten that you asked this morning. And this afternoon. And after break . . . .
5. Don’t do anything you didn’t sign up to do. You were hired to move the piece of paper from here to there. Don’t let them dupe you into actually moving the piece of paper over here.
6. If you have nothing to do, just sit there. Or, better yet, find a way to look busy without actually doing anything. Internet access is invaluable for this – who would think you could get paid for surfing the Net? If you don’t have a computer in your work area, try finding the longest, most roundabout path from your location to the restroom (or the break room). Keep testing – there might be a longer one out there!
7. Don’t take orders from anybody but the manager who hired you. After all, the other people are peons like you, right? So you don’t have to listen to them. Who cares if they’ve been there longer and have some idea how the company runs?
8. Of course you should answer cell calls on the job! That’s why you have a cell phone – so anybody can reach you at any time! Don’t they realize that your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is important? And if you’re low on minutes, go ahead and use the phone on your desk. Nobody will listen – honest!
9. If you don’t like the job, or the pay, or the other employees – just leave. Right now, without warning, and don’t you dare call the agency, unless you’re going to complain about how horribly you were treated at ABC. Honestly, they expected you to WORK?
10. When you’re over at the state job office, trying to explain (again) why you’re trying to file for unemployment (again) when you’ve lost your job (again!), complain as loudly and as bitterly as you can about those creeps at ABC Corporation and the idiots at the contract agency who obviously have no clue how great you are and what a real job is.
About the Author: Cynthia Heimsoth is a contract employee who is between assignments. She wishes to remind everyone that this is a work of humor, and she does not in fact recommend any of these actions. In most cases, she would recommend doing the opposite.
About the Author: Cynthia Heimsoth is a contract employee who is between assignments. She wishes to remind everyone that this is a work of humor, and she does not in fact recommend any of these actions. In most cases, she would recommend doing the opposite.
